Last week, assistant music editor Craig Hlavaty amused the entire office by forwarding a link to Filmdrunk’s recent post, “Ideas for Movie-Themed Food Trucks.” On the front page was the Photoshopped image of a “Hunan Centipede” food truck that haunted us all for days.
Talk about a rejected food truck name.
Later that week, I bantered with fellow staff writer Craig Malisow about more “rejected food truck names,” coming up with some pretty lame ideas: Hot Dogs-n-Cats, Corn on the Cholera. Malisow suggested Hit ‘n’ Run and was chagrined when I told him that there’s already a Hit ‘n’ Run food truck in Houston, advertising — you guessed it — “killer street food.”
Undaunted, we came up with a list of more rejected food truck names — well, mostly Malisow did — for any future Houston food trucks who, like Hit ‘n’ Run, really want to take it that extra mile.
I Scream: Staffed entirely by paroled child molesters dressed as Pennywise the Clown. Try the John Wayne Ga-sundae with extra nuts.
Mutton Honey: Chik-Fil-A and McDonald’s have their honey chicken biscuits; this breakfast-time food truck has honey mutton biscuits that come in their own wool containers.
The Upchuck Wagon: Food that’s guaranteed to make you vomit, or your money back. Try a glass of refreshing ipecac to speed the process along.
The Donner Dinner Party: Be the ultimate food adventurer and trump all your friends by eating human flesh. Try the Albert Fish sandwich or the South American-inspired Andes Men-t for dessert.
Hepatitis B-B-Q: No three-meat plate is complete without contracting a cirrhosis-inducing disease. (Hint: Try the blood sausage.)
Eat My Meat: At this highly interactive food truck, you have to eat an entire sausage-on-a-stick in one bite. Are you woman (or man) enough for the task?
Home Suet Home: Nothing says “comfort food” like a beef fat pie or a tallow shake (available with malt, too!). Home Suet Home is the little sister to Mutton Honey, using its leftover mutton fat for suet smoothies. Recycle! Eat local!
Salmon Ella’s: Don’t be afraid of a little salmonellosis; like The Upchuck Wagon, it’s a surefire way to eat your body weight in food and then have it all come right back out like your meal never even happened. It’s the new bulimia!
The Crabs Cab: A night in The Crabs Cab is one you’ll never forget. This food truck requires an overnight stay, like a bed and breakfast, whereby you’ll awaken next to a strange man or woman in the back of a food truck and find yourself with a lifetime’s worth of crabs as a souvenir of your indiscretions. (Warning: “Crabs” may not refer to decapod crustaceans of the infraorder Brachyura. Consult your food truck driver for more details.)
Veals on Wheels: Like picking your own lobster out of the tank at seafood restaurants? Then you’ll love staring into the wet, chocolate-brown eyes of confined calves and choosing your own out of its cramped crate at Veals on Wheels.
The Moose Caboose: Exotic meat is in right now, and there’s nothing trendier than killing your own meal; just ask Mark Zuckerberg. The Moose Caboose lets a trailer of wild moose loose on the street, hands you a musket and lets you choose your own moose to cull from the frenzied herd. Don’t worry; they’ll cook your moose to order. Remember to bring earplugs and a hunting vest!